Suffer Now, Enjoy Later

I started a new shift at Canada Post two months ago, which requires me to wake up at 3:10am. My shift begins at 4:00am, but I usually hit snooze until 3:40am, giving me twenty minutes to get ready, make a latte, and pack my breakfast.

Luckily I live close to work, otherwise this scramble would make it hard to show up on time.  

At first, I was optimistic about finishing work early. I had been working a later shift for months since I moved back to Ontario from Nova Scotia. To be completely honest, I was living in a world of guilt because I was missing out on a lot of family time while working this shift.

Our three year old began struggling with noticeable anxious behaviours shortly after moving home, and I was starting to believe that my lack of presence throughout the week was partly to blame. Up until we moved home from Nova Scotia, he spent the majority of his time with me.

Like most people, I need to work to make a living (especially in this economic situation). I get that. But I also have a unique perspective on the term that older adults often say "Enjoy every moment. It goes by so fast." I have a sixteen year old and a three year old. The age gap makes me realize how true that is. 

While many parents face the reality that work is a priority, I am always searching for ways to spend more time with my growing children.

After jumping through countless hoops, I managed to switch my 12pm start time to a 4am start time.

Within the first four weeks of being on my new shift, I went to three of my oldest sons football games, two of my youngest sons first ever soccer games and I had dinner with my family every night. It felt like I had won the lottery. Not to mention, I have been taking free courses offered through the city that help parents understand anxiety in children.

Fast forward two months...

I am tired. I am so tired, I can hardly think straight.

From about five in the morning (when the caffeine hits) until ten in the morning, my brain is on rapid fire mode. I am at work, sorting parcels, listening to podcasts or audiobooks, and my brain is shooting off a million great ideas into the universe.

When I get home, I am going to study so hard.

When I get home, I am going to write a blog.

I am going to crush the gym before getting Thai from daycare.

I am going to make the best dinner ever.

I am going to clean the shit out of the house before bed.

Guess how many of these ideas are executed??

The answer is: One. Two if I am lucky.

Guess what two usually win?

The answer is: Study and the gym.

Blog posts get put on hold, dinner is half assed and cleaning is always the least of my worries even though I have a strong desire to live in a spotless home. It's easy to give myself grace on the cleaning though because I am aware that my priorities outside of my family and work life are school and health.

Oh, if you didn't already know, I should probably mention that on top of my job and family life, I am enrolled in online university to obtain my degree in psychology.

Did I mention that I am so tired? I am also struggling to juggle everything at once. Work, family, school, gym, eating, sleeping, cleaning, errands... the list goes on.

Lord, if you are reading this, I seek your blessing for success in all my endeavours. Help me to excel in my work, studies, relationships, and every area of my life. Grant me favour with others and open doors of opportunity. Guide me towards success and bless the work of my hands.

If you are wondering if I came up with that prayer, the answer is no. Sometimes I can talk to God like I am talking to a friend. Other times, I feel lost and unsure of how to ask him for help when it comes to a specific request. I have googled guidance for prayers many times. This one feels fitting.

I recently started listening to the audiobook "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I highly recommend this book if you are struggling with forming new habits.

Many months ago, I was listening to "The School Of Greatness" hosted by Lewis Howes. I was still living in Nova Scotia and was on one of my many runs. I can tell you where I was and what the weather was like when I listened to this specific episode that had the author James Clear as a guest on the show. When somebody hits me with inspiration that hard, I will never forget it.

I was inspired by this man who talked about being an unpaid writer for ten years before becoming a New York Best Selling Author.

I remember thinking I really need to start writing more.

James Clear wrote two articles a week, growing his email subscribers to over 3 million people during the years of dedicating himself to his "3, 2, 1" weekly articles.

Like many other times, I back pocketed what I had learned from that episode and promised myself I would read that book... And then POOF! I moved on with my life.

Over the last couple weeks while my body and brain have been at war with one another, it became clear that I needed to change my habits in order to continue working at four in the morning.

My thoughts began to recycle themselves, and they sounded like this:

If I am going to get a university degree, I cannot be struggling to stay awake from the moment I am done work until the moment I pick my son up from daycare. I can't retain the information properly.

If I am going to be a New York Best Selling Author, I cannot keep putting off writing.

Just when I began to have these consistent thoughts, BOOM! I got an email from Audible saying that one new credit has arrived.

Wait... What? I cancelled Audible months ago to save money. I go to the library every single week because FREE BOOKS are better than twenty dollar a month audible books. This can't be right! I even deleted the app. Let's look into this... How dare they be taking money from me when I SWEAR I cancelled.

Turns out I did not cancel.

I have two options:

1. Fight for a refund (I am really good at winning those fights).

2. Go buy a book (I can't resist a good memoire)

I think you know where this is going, right? I went with option two.

At first, I was dead set on an unknown memoire. I've read celebrity memoire's such as Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Corey Feldman, Mina Suvari, Marilyn Manson... and many others. But I love me a memoire written by some random person in this world who just wants to share a piece of themselves in hopes to save or help somebody else's life.

It turns out that God does hear me. Atleast that's what I believe. He knows what I am up to behind closed doors, he feels my struggles, and he will place the right piece of literature into my line of sight at the exact right time that I need it. He knew a memoire wasn't in the cards right now.

ATOMIC HABITS- JAMES CLEAR

I couldn't ignore it. I immediately remembered that day I was running down Sissiboo Road in Bear River listening to that podcast. It was a bright, chilly, winter day. Nothing that a higher heart rate from the steady running would not warm up.

I hit "purchase with one credit" and started listening. Each chapter had a profound impact on me, confirming what I already knew, but also showing the importance of habits in a way that was deeper than I realized. 

This book has the ability to propel me to a higher level of what I was already pursuing at a slower pace.

I have prayed so many times over the years. One thing that I know is that divine intervention has proven to be real time and time again in my life.

In the midst of unbearable trials, I cling to the hope that God gives me. I trust in his promise that he will work all things for good. I know that he is teaching me something valuable through every obstacle that I face. 

Some may call it fate or karma. I believe that the God who knows me intimately guides me along his purposeful plan and leads me to where he wants me to be. It may not make sense in the moment, but I am always assured that it will eventually. 

He has shown me his faithfulness so many times that I don't doubt him anymore. 

I am tired.

I am so tired.

But that's okay.

My end goal is much bigger than the sacrifices I have to make right now.

"Suffer now and enjoy later."

Romans 8:12

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

You won't catch me talking much about my religion often, as I feel it is quite personal, but sometimes I want to give credit to the man upstairs for who I have become.

The words of scripture often resonate with our earthly experiences. The verse above speaks of the contrast between our present afflictions and our future glory, but I think this also applies to our temporal journey. If we endure hardships for a noble cause, we will reap the benefits. I have no doubt about that. 

After work I usually go right to the library before picking up Thai from daycare.