Suspected CTE Or Not...

Between 2009 and 2019, my career was in boxing. During this period, I was subject to numerous head injuries and experienced an estimated three concussions, with only one documented by my family doctor. A sport that once felt like a lifesaving pursuit now presents a risk to my longevity. 

Although I cannot conclusively say that I am showing symptoms of CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy), it is evident that I am facing difficulties that align with those associated with the condition. 

I find it difficult to feel understood as I now stand face to face with an illness that's still not fully comprehended by medical professionals, and is highly debated amongst doctors, researchers and scientists. I frequently face feelings of embarrassment when discussing this issue. 

It often feels like when I articulate the difficulties I encounter, there's a fear connected to my concerns that may be perceived as exaggerated anxiety over health (a hypochondriac).

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My sense of self-awareness has become heightened through years of competition. I learned to pay close attention to my body's needs, especially when training for bouts, focusing on aspects like weight regulation, physical form, and dietary habits. 

I promptly notice any changes within my body. I can typically sense the onset of illness, recognize fatigue from insufficient sleep, identify dehydration, weight gain, and anticipate my menstrual cycle due to mood fluctuations. 

In 2022, I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy following paralysis on one side of my face. At that time, I was experiencing substantial stress due to a loss of identity post pregnancy and boxing career. I grew to believe that my body manifested an autoimmune response as a result of my inability to manage the stress effectively. 

It is fascinating how the mind might sometimes suppress life's pressures, yet our body invariably signals the need to confront underlying issues. In my case, the signal was stress, and it became essential for me to address and regulate it. 

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I'm aware that I'm currently facing an increasing number of symptoms related to and following my boxing career.

Rewind to age 29, I started to experience symptoms that suggested ADHD and began self-diagnosing. Forgetfulness and disorganization were familiar to me, but the shift to unpredictable moods was too significant to overlook. 

I was hesitant to start medication, but I surrendered and began taking ADHD meds in 2020 after getting a job at Canada Post. I realized after being hired that I struggled with attention to detail, especially during mail sorting. Because I cared about the job and feared losing it over disorganization and slow work completion, I decided to take action. 

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I must acknowledge that I have not consistently treated myself with kindness. Frequently, I have engaged in self-criticism and attributed personal faults entirely to myself. Instead of concentrating on my abilities, I tend to harshly scrutinize my deficiencies. 

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is a progressive brain condition that can be confirmed only after death. 

It's challenging to seek understanding and support given that my symptoms vary from mild to moderate. 

Being a progressive disease means experiencing a gradual decline. While presently my symptoms are manageable, uncertainty looms about their severity in the future. 

For the years leading up to where I am today, I have progressively come to terms with my symptoms, and have accepted that I need to manage them and learn as much as I can in order to ensure longevity. I want to be around for my children as long as possible.

I used to be hard on myself for my forgetfulness, disorganization, slow learning, quick temper, irresponsibility, and poor financial management. When I realized these issues aligned perfectly with CTE symptoms, I started treating myself with kindness and forgave myself for the years of self-criticism.  

I've not only forgiven myself but also committed to mastering my symptom management. Progress has been made, particularly in controlling my temper and embracing the responsibilities of adulthood. I've improved my financial skills, paid off debts, and become savvier with money.

However, challenges with forgetfulness and disorganization persist, and learning new concepts takes me longer. Starting university this year was a step towards self-validation and showing myself that I can accomplish my goals.

The journey will surely be tough, yet I'm unwavering in my pursuit of a psychology degree to deepen my understanding of the brain and to offer support to others facing similar obstacles. 

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Currently, the world lacks adequate support for suspected Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, yet it is the individuals committed to researching and studying it who motivate me to join this groundbreaking field.

Being a member of two CTE support groups allows me to hear others' experiences which not only gives me hope for my own future but also fuels my eagerness to expand my knowledge about the condition and enhance the support available for those affected. 

I believe that if I had known when I began my career in boxing what struggles I would be facing today, I would have taken preventative measures to ensure the highest level of safety when it came to my brain. Would I have still competed? Probably. But I certainly would've been much smarter with my approach.

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Critics question the link between CTE and brain injury, highlighting cases of CTE in individuals without a history of such injuries. They also challenge the assumption that CTE leads to suicide, noting that many NFL players had opioid use during their careers, which could also contribute to dependency and addiction that further lead to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and financial struggles.  

I acknowledge that various factors may have contributed to the symptoms I currently experience and those that appeared later in my boxing career. Nevertheless, I can't overlook the opinions of experts who assert a strong connection between CTE and brain injury. 

Regardless, I am committed to seeking ways to tackle the difficulties I encounter as an ex-athlete and to further understanding the association between CTE and brain injury. 

Even if my struggles aren't due to CTE, I believe that similar challenges will likely occur for others after their athletic careers end. I am eager to educate myself so that I can contribute to a support network designed to help former athletes navigate post-career challenges.