Don't Let Fear Drive You

I signed up for my very first university course.

There! I said it.

I have been signed up for my first psychology course for a couple weeks now, and there's been this critter inside my head that is too afraid to share that I am working towards a psychology degree. The fear of failure is so big and I don't want people to have a front row seat to it.

I grew up believing I wasn't capable of getting good grades unless it was a subject I was naturally gifted in such as art, gym class or english. I occasionally did well in high school courses like history, shop class and french, but that's because I had teachers who had a special way of connecting to my brain.

I was pregnant right out the gate of high school. I had a newborn at nineteen years old and I had no idea what direction my life was suppose to go in. I ended up with no post secondary education aside from the photography program I dropped out of in college and I began a lengthy career in the fitness industry. An industry that I am still apart of today.

I have learned as a personal trainer and coach that people "think" they need me. They come to me with a vision, a goal, and oftentimes believe that I am the magic pill that they have been waiting for. They believe that if they pay me, I am going to make their body fat disappear. The reality is, they need themselves to step up and do the work.

The truth is, it's never actually about the weight, even if they think it is. It comes down to their lifestyle, what they put into their bodies on a regular basis, who they associate with, how they treat themselves, how they spend their time, how they treat others, their worldly views and beliefs...

Here's the ugly truth... I watch people try to change their habits, but lack the commitment it takes to change their life. Losing weight does not come with working out. It comes with so much more and commitment is number one. I walk away from more than half of my clients feeling like a failure because I wasn't the magic pill they needed after all.

It's easier for people to stick to what they are comfortable with. When motivation dies, people give up. When results aren't happening, it's easier to blame everything but yourself. People don't like the harsh truths that sometimes feel like an attack.

Just because I have the ability to drain every ounce of energy into my workouts doesn't mean I can drain that out of others. It takes a specific mindset to have the work ethic that I have developed. I believe I was born to be fit. I was made to push myself into the depths of my deepest determination and pull every ounce of work out of me when I am at the gym. That's what inspires people to want to train with me.

I am not inspired to train people the way I once was. Hear me out...

I am tired of feeling like a failure when a client of mine doesn't hit the goals they set in place for themselves. I know it's not my fault, but somehow I put that weight on myself because I feel I wasn't enough. But you have to want your goals as bad as you want to live, otherwise, bad habits resurface and motivation goes out the window and I am over here thinking, Well that was a huge waste of money.

The more I began to heal my inner demons, the more paths opened up. Instead of going straight, I began to see the options in front of me.

The less I drank alcohol, the more I realized how bad it was for me.

The less I engaged in toxic behaviours, the more my life began to bloom.

The more therapy sessions I attended, the more hopeful I became about my future.

I learned through my own self healing that I will never be the magic pill that people need. I may be able to give others a boost of confidence, or give them my own version of a TedTalk, but I cannot change your life for you. It's up to you to put a significant amount of time and effort into more than just fitness.

If you want to change your life, you need to think about going to therapy to find out what parts of you are broken. It's the broken parts of you that will hold you back from being your best self. If they are left unhealed, you will constantly find yourself back at square one feeling more like a failure each time. The broken parts of you are the critters in your mind that want you to fail.

I am constantly at war with my critters. I have definitely kicked many of them to the curb over the years, but they remain at war with who I am today and I am always going to be working on that.

The same critters that feared sharing to others that I am going to chase a university degree are the same critters that tell me I will never be able to have a high paying, successful career because I am not smart enough to get through school. They tell me my ADHD is going to hold me back. They tell me that I do not have the focus to study and pass tests.

The critters are very peculiar though. They also tell me to write, paint, sing, play music. They tell me Don't worry about money. Your talents make you happy. Just do what you love and give yourself to others without a cost. I sometimes find myself siding with the critters when they tell me these things.

Let me reemphasize what critters are. THEY ARE THE BROKEN PARTS OF YOU THAT WANT TO HOLD YOU BACK FROM BEING YOUR BEST SELF! THEY WANT YOU TO REMAIN COMFORTABLE BECAUSE THEY FEAR THE UNKNOWN.

Art- natural for me.

Singing- natural for me.

Painting- natural for me.

Writing- natural for me.

Training- natural for me.

Going for a university degree- WAY FAR OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE! It terrifies me. Terror isn't even a strong enough word to explain how I feel about going after a UNIVERSITY DEGREE!

"Like are you fucking kidding me? You think you're smart enough for that? Hell no girl! Get your money back. Wait until you fail and Scott is disappointed in you and your parents think I knew she wouldn't stick to it."

That's what the critters say.

The same critters telling me I cannot do this are the same critters that my clients have crawling around in their brains telling them what a waste of time it is to go to the gym. Those critters tell my clients they don't have what it takes to be strong and fit. The same critters tell them to eat the damn cheesecake or order the large fry and pop at McDonalds with their meal.

Let me tell you what I know for a fact. Nobody, but you can fight those critters. People can help you gain the tools to kick them to the curb, but the work begins with you and ends with you.

When I was little, I wrote a story about where I would be in 2020. It said that I was going to be a forensic psychologist, living on a lake in a mansion. It's 2024 and I am so proud of who I am, but I certainly am not living on a lake and I certainly don't have a degree. I want one though. I desperately want a degree.

When I think about obtaining a degree, my heart swells with excitement. If I close my eyes and envision a signed, stamped and framed degree with my name on it, I feel overwhelming amounts of pride. I want that for myself. I'm ready to fail to get it, and these are not the critters talking...

I am ready to fail because I have learned that the only way to get what you want in life is to fail over and over and over again to get it.

I've quit about fifty different jobs in my life. No exaggeration.

I've lost many rounds in the ring.

I've dropped out of school twice.

I've had negative numbers in my bank account while having a child's mouth to feed.

I've been at rock bottom.

I have learned that no matter how many times I have failed, I have taught myself that getting back up will earn me a win.

I have the best job I've ever had in my life.

I have won and got paid for all of the four professional fights I've had.

I am a week away from going back to school for a degree.

I have more money in my account than I ever have (but don't be fooled lol).

I am on cloud nine.

If you look at my lists, there's quite a contrast right? Everything that I once went through is now a distant part of my past that led me to exactly where I am right now.

Am I going to fail throughout this process? Yes. Is it going to stop me? No. Will I quit once I fail? No. Why? Because I've already proven to myself that if I keep trying, I will succeed.

What do I want to do with a psychology degree?

I don't know yet.

I do know that I love the human mind and always have. I love to dissect behaviours and personalities of all kinds, even the criminal ones. I have compassion for some of the darkest behaviours for reasons only others like myself can understand. It's not compassion for crimes committed, it's compassion for the once child that was deeply traumatized.

My love for the purity of children is so big. I believe every child should be given love and care unconditionally from their parents or guardians. It's rare for a dark and twisted human to have a healthy upbringing. I'm not saying it's impossible. I am saying it's rare.

I want to understand the mind so that I can begin the work I have been waiting to do my whole life.

What I do know is that I want to be an author. Not the kind of author that is ignorant either. I want to come from a place of knowing. I want to be confident in my own words, with the education to back it up.

I also know I want to help others attack the critters in their mind, and to heal the parts of them that are broken.

If you are still reading this, and you are somebody who needs change in your life, I want to leave you with this...

Before you begin to change your life, be brutally honest with yourself in what needs work.

Dissect your bad habits. Write them down. Ask yourself how important it is to change them and then begin the work.

Ask yourself what parts of you are still hurting from your past.

Commit to healing those parts.

Take one step at a time.

Don't rush it.

Give yourself grace along the way.

Remember that change is not linear, but does require your commitment.

Failure is inevitable.

Change occurs when actions are in place.

Habits will change your life and it starts with committing to yourself with unconditional love.

The journey doesn't stop until you give up.

So don't give up...