Improving Life Through Constant Work

It started in my late twenties...

What started out as a desperate call to a therapist turned into a lifetime commitment to a healthy way of living. I made a promise to myself early into my therapy that I would overcome the obstacles in my life that were holding me back from the life I dreamed of.

Although I don't like to look back at the troubled times in my twenties, I do find it useful when trying to get my point across to others who may be struggling. Without getting into too many details, I want to shed light onto those who need it.

Let's go back to 2017...

If you saw me from the outside looking in, I was a boxer. I had a body that displayed the hard work I consistently put myself through. I was surrounded by loving friends and family. With my red hair and tattoos being a signature part of my appeal, I stood out in a crowd. I spent my time helping others, I was a young mother and I (for the most part) was known for my ability to make people feel seen and loved.

People often said "You inspire me". I often thought... If only you knew...

If you saw me from my view, I was a disaster and I knew it. I just hid behind my hard work ethic as a boxer. I struggled to maintain relationships because I did not know how to be in a healthy one. I was constantly seeking validation through social media or my so called "fans". I overtrained my body and spent my energy helping others rather than myself. This left me drained. I would call in sick to work, no show my clients and crawl into a shell of self pity at least once a month.

I hated myself a lot of the time while everyone around me loved me.

I was always able to replenish my energy through the admiration of others. I am a good person, and I know it, but being a good person doesn't make you feel secure. I have always enjoyed making people feel good. I believe that the love I gave to others was the only real joy I had back then.

Knowing I was able to make a difference in peoples lives was a driving force for me when I was at my lowest. I thank God for that gift that he gave me.

They say the grass isn't always greener on the other side. "They" are right. But I always held onto a sliver of hope that the grass would be greener on the other side for me. Just because it isn't ALWAYS greener doesn't mean it can't be. It depends on how much lawn maintenance you're willing to put in.

For me, I wanted the greenest lawn imaginable. I just wasn't really sure where to start. Despite many failed attempts at fixing my life, I believe that therapy was the first real step to finding true love for myself.

Over time (not over night), the grass started to get greener. As the grass became greener, I began to feel proud of my new lawn. I finally got to a point where I was able to step outside of myself and see how poorly maintained my lawn was before therapy.

Before therapy, I was always doing just enough to stay afloat. That left me in a very vulnerable state of mind. The only part of me I was able to control was how much I trained at the gym. I couldn't even control my own emotions because they were being controlled by the poor choices I was making. Training was the only thing that made me feel strong and would temporarily wipe all of my insecurities away.

• I failed to pay my bills on time.

• I rushed from point A to point B because I had poor time management skills.

• I was unreliable to my friends, family and employers.

• I spent a huge chunk of my life in unhealthy relationships which held me back from being fully present in all other areas of life.

• I was drained from my own irresponsibility.

• I was living in an anxious, stressed, worn down body.

• My mind and body ran on white monster drinks and pre workout.

• My heart was utterly broken for more reasons than I can count.

Luckily, I have a charming personality. People often excused my behaviour because love overpowered the annoyance I may have caused.

With the lifestyle I was living, you can imagine what my lawn looked like. If my life was a lawn, I was that lawn people walk by and say "Oh my God. How do people live like this?" I laugh as I write that, but it's not funny because there's somebody reading this thinking that's me.

It really isn't funny. Get your shit together. I hate the excuse "I don't have money for therapy." I was a broke ass boxer who could barely rub two pennies together. When I decided to get help, I found a way to round up the astronomical hourly rate that my therapist charged.

I considered myself a personal trainer hustler. I am not a salesperson by nature, but when it came to fixing my life, I became a salesperson to ensure I could keep paying to get the help I needed.

It's true what they say... If there's a will there's a way.

I love analogies. It helps me see the picture clearer, so that's how I am going to get my point across to you guys today. Here's another one that I am going to add to the mix...

You can't maintain a lawn without tools. I'm not a man (so maybe I am wrong), but I feel like men collect tools. It's not like men just buy all of their tools at once. They buy some, they may get one for Christmas or on their birthday. Something breaks at home so they have to run out and get a tool they don't have.

Over the years, the garage accumulates more and more tools. The knowledge to use the tools grows too. Next thing you know, you have a garage full of tools and when something breaks, you have the ability to go grab the tool you need right from your own collection.

That's how I feel at this point in my life.

I have collected so many tools since I began therapy. I am in a totally different place than I was then, and I am now maintaining my life with the tools I have earned through hard work. When a shit storm rolls in (because they always will) I often refer to my tools to fix the problem.

Imagine trying to fix a problem without tools. You either break what you are trying to fix or you struggle to put it back together. The me before therapy tried to fix problems by masking it with a substance or I would use anger or revenge. Those were my go-to tools. NOT GOOD!

I started therapy in my late twenties. I am thirty five now. I have had about seven years to collect tools. The more tools I have, the more I want. I am seeing my life blossom because of the tools I have in my very own collection.

Lawns and tools. Tools and lawns.

I want to reiterate that the first step to changing my life was therapy. That was the sunshine and water to maintain my disastrous lawn.

I slowly started to collect the tools along the way. If you're wondering what tools I am talking about, my therapist would give me homework or recommend a book. I didn't sit on my ass and not do the work or read the book. I DID THE WORK AND READ THE BOOK EVEN IF I DID NOT LIKE IT! The reward to doing what she asked of me was the tools I got in return.

When my therapy sessions started to become less and less, I found myself practising what she had taught me on a daily basis. The more I practised, the more natural it became. Seven years later, I now seek my own ways of accumulating tools (podcasts, audiobooks, research...etc). I still speak with my therapist, but only a couple times a year now when I need a refresher.

My life today:

• I am present in each moment.

• I feel love for myself and others in the healthiest way. I'd say that's the biggest high for me at this point in my life.

• I rearranged my priorities to suit the life I want to live.

• I paid off any and all debt.

• I respect peoples time by showing up when I say I will.

• I am a million times more organized than I ever was. I am becoming borderline OCD and it's scaring me a little.

• When I am drained, I give myself grace and allow myself time to recharge.

• I only pour into others cups if mine is full.

• I am kind to myself.

• Most importantly, my family is first in all that I do.

My lawn today is clean and kept. I have even added some flowers along the outside to make it more appealing to those passing by. There's stones along the edge of my lawn that show strength and resilience. I continue to add to my lawn because damn it feels good to have a beautiful lawn.

I need to use my hard earned tools to make those dreams come true.

Social media can be a tool or it can be a distraction. Right now, it is a distraction from my priorities. My priorities outside of family (which is obviously number one) is finding myself again. For thirteen years, I defined myself as a mother and a boxer. I hung up my gloves after my second son was born in 2021.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have an identity crisis.

I'd be lying if I said my years of therapy helped me through it.

I was LOST!

I called my therapist a month after my son was born and was like HELP ME!!!!!!!

Over the last year and a half, I have been living off grid with my family in Nova Scotia. The solitude of it opened up the flood gates. As hard as it was to face burdening truths that were buried inside, this time allowed me to forgive myself.

The power of healing is a gift that only you can give yourself.

I will be a writer.

I will be a podcaster.

The process has already begun...

But here's the catch. I want to be a writer and a podcaster without having to use social media.

For so many years when I was at my lowest, it was the validation that others gave me on social media that often brought me up from my downs. I don't want that for myself anymore. I don't feel that I need it.

As a creator, I want to write and speak freely without pressure to feel liked or the fear of judgement. I want to release what I have to offer without anything in return except knowing that maybe I helped one person.

I am loved by my family.

I am loved by my friends.

I am loved by myself.

And that is enough.

My writing flourishes when I am not distracted by outside forms of instant gratifications (social media). Posting for my own satisfaction or is distracting. Even just watching funny reels distracts me.

If I want to be an author and a podcaster, I have to be willing to let go of the things that will not get me to that goal.

For many years as an entrepreneur, social media was a tool. Priorities change and I can better hear what my heart is telling me to do. It has been clear for months that I would be taking this step upon moving home to Hamilton.

A year and a half in the woods gave me a lot of time to think about the direction I want my life to go. I will stop at nothing to build on this dream that will contribute to the life we want for our children and for ourselves.

I am a creator. Being a creator can be exhausting at times. I learned while writing three quarters of a memoire that you can go into a deep depression when you dump your feelings into 50,000 words. I have yet to finish the last of it because I am still preparing myself for the end of it.

Creating for me will be blogging on my website to strengthen my writing skills and releasing 1-2 podcasts a month. My podcast platform gives me the ability to schedule posts that will automatically post when I release a new podcast. You will see the post, but I will not be behind my Instagram or Facebook.

In order to get in touch with me, you can email me @ kylie.angel22@gmail.com or you can text me. If you don't have my number, then we obviously aren't good friends.

I look forward to the continued maintenance of my lawn. I am excited to add wondrous beauty as I go.

Please subscribe to my podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. The first two episodes are introductions to who I am and a little bit about myself and my journey.

I will be interviewing people in the new year as I dive deep into these waters. Jump in with me!

https://open.spotify.com/show/44x7AX3sk9IVhxzHCU8jwR?si=5da849ab3a5a4b87