Stranded In Peace

I’m stranded in the most peaceful place I’ve ever been. But wait… The definition of stranded is left without the means to move somewhere. Yep! That sounds about right. That doesn’t sound so bad though, does it?

I think many of you are probably thinking “I wish I was stranded in a peaceful place.” But it’s not as great as it once was (hence the use of the word stranded). Before I can explain why, I need to give you some backstory.

Our house in Nova Scotia went up for sale in January. It’s the house we chose to move to just under a year ago. It’s the house that has opened my heart and soul to many new meanings of life.

Our Home

I’m a sap at heart. I’m always looking for a sign, a revelation, or even just a feeling that will guide me in the right direction.

It didn’t surprise me when a reiki specialist recently told me that I am very connected to the spiritual side of life. She said that although being spiritually connected is great, it is important for me to find grounding here on earth. I’m working on it…

Truth be told, I did not fall in love with Nova Scotia upon arrival. It would take a couple of months before feeling the connections.

It had pieces of every other place I had lived. Before you Nova Scotian readers get offended by my words, let’s keep in mind that these were my initial thoughts. It gets better, I swear.

I found the residential areas with your typical, big box stores like Walmart and Sobey's. I found fast food joints such as McDonald's or Tim Horton's. Every Canadian needs a Timmy’s coffee and donut once in awhile. Can I get an "amen"?

There were long and windy roads that stretched across the country acres. It was beautiful, but so are the farm lands I’ve driven through in Ontario.

I will admit that the empty highways at 3pm was like a dream come true. Not just 3pm, but any time of day. I have yet to get stuck in traffic.

I saw bodies of water that looked similar to the bodies of water I’ve seen many times when I lived up north as a kid. Big deal right?

I thought moving to Nova Scotia was going to be some life changing event, but here I was feeling a little bummed out that things felt pretty much the same.

Oh, but the light houses! Those were different. Those caught my eye. I would find myself pulling over any chance I got to stand below a light house and look up at the tall, red and white structures. They are all unique in their own way.

Cape Forchu Light House

Aside from my love of light houses, I was not psyched about anything in particular. But I was hopeful. I knew it would take some exploring before I could really decide if I love Nova Scotia or not. Besides, I’m Miss Positivity.

Just because I was a little disappointed in the similarities between Nova Scotia and Ontario didn’t mean I wasn’t looking forward to finding new places and planting my seeds.

The first few weeks in our new home, I woke up with the excitement of a child going on an adventure. While my partner was working from his home office, I was packing the baby bag and stroller and heading out to explore the land.

Each outing was mapped out before leaving the house. “Why?” you ask. Well, it’s not because I’m super organized (because I’m not). It’s because I learned quickly that cell service is scarce in Nova Scotia. You just never know when you’ll hit a dead spot and lose every reception bar. Or maybe that’s because I have the worst cell phone provider known to man.

We travelled to places like Gullivers Cove, Acacia Valley Trails, Balancing Rock, Gilbert’s Cove Light House, Family Fitness Trail, Oaklawn Zoo, Mavillette Beach, Annapolis Royal and Keji National Park. When my partner wasn't working, I was stoked to explore as a family.

Keji National Park

There’s plenty of other places I can list, but I don’t want to bore people with the places that are insignificant to them.

Not only did we visit new places, but we met new people along the way. I joined a running group, a community play group for mothers with children and I involved myself in the community right away with my entrepreneurial mindset.

I began selling clothing at the local grocery store in the village we live in and I wriggled my way through figuring out how to rent space to run a boxing program.

Bear River Besty

Bear River Boxing Class

As the adventure progressed, I started to really enjoy the ride. I even started my first garden ever! My hunni built it for me out of some old, dried out trees that he chopped down himself.

If we were going to live off grid, we were going to do it right!

Well... We always try to utilize the land as best we can. But hey! We are both from the city and had never lived off grid before. It's ALOT to learn. Thanks for your help YouTube.

Not only is our home located on a lake, in the middle of a forest, but hidden gems are placed all around us that are waiting to be found. And when you do find them, you leave them as they were so that the next person who comes along can have the same experience you did.

Some things are so beautiful here, you can’t help but want others to experience it. Sharing is caring.

The secret disappointment I once felt quickly faded, and I was slowly falling in love as the weeks passed.

Let’s erase Nova Scotia as a whole off the paper. Now let’s write: BEAR RIVER in big capital letters. That’s where we live. Bear River. The tidal village that has a population of just over 800 people. The village that has the highest tides in the world!

You could go into the village in the morning, and see the water slowly rising up the 20-30 foot stilts that are built below the buildings and houses along the water. The water can rise as high as the stilts themselves.

Then you could go back later in the day and see that the water is gone, and all you'll see is the ground and rocks that the water covered hours before. Crazy, right? That's the tides for ya!

Low Tide

High Tide

If I could draw one thing that represents Bear River, I would draw a soul.

What is a soul anyways? Is it an energy inside of us? Or is it a conscious part of us that leaves our body after we die and goes some place else?

I chose to draw a soul because I know you can’t draw a soul. I'm trying to make a point here. You cannot draw Bear River with just one thing. Bear River is associated with a feeling.

If you’ve been here, you know exactly what I mean. If you haven’t, you need to go.

I felt a quiet whisper very early on, but the best part about Bear River is how it grows inside of you. Ok, that sounds a little creepy. I'm a deep person, so try to follow.

Bear River plants its own seeds into your heart, and soon enough, those seeds break open and turn into vines that intertwine around the valves and arteries of your heart.

Bear River becomes apart of you in a very spiritual way. The longer you are here, the more you want to stay. That once quiet whisper I felt transformed into a loud voice. I was called to Bear River. We were called to Bear River.

Baby In Bear River

I believe that the people who grew up here are part of the roots that make this place so special. It is their honourable duty to keep this place the sacred place it has always been.

I have met many of the pillars in this community who volunteer their time. I see the hard work that goes into community events, building the floating docks in the summer or making sure the community greenhouse runs smoothly. Those are just naming a few.

The locals also do a great job at making the newcomers feel welcome.

The people who are called to Bear River later in life are called here for a reason. But I don’t know their reason, I only know mine.

I’m stranded in the most peaceful place I’ve ever been. I am stranded because our house has been up for sale for more than two months and we've only had two viewings. Both, not interested.

Maybe the statement I am stranded feels a little too concrete. Almost as if I have nowhere to go. When I think of stranded, I think of Tom Hanks in the movie "Castaway". I think the proper term is I feel stranded.

You see, Bear River has been a peaceful place for me to let my mind wander. Whether it's on our property or exploring the trails nearby, the land has many unspoken voices that can be felt.

For almost a year now I have been surrounded by nature. It brings a sense of calming to my soul.

A View From Our House

Imagine going to sleep at night and having no sense of city life. When you close your eyes before bed, you don't hear the sounds of car doors slamming in the distance, or sirens wailing in the night.

You hear the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees, and the late night creatures talking to one another through the darkness. The only light outside comes from the moon and the stars. On cloudy nights, closing your eyes before bed is just as dark as having your eyes open. I love that.

Imagine opening your eyes in the morning to your own private lake that gives you a small hint at what the weather is like. The water can be still like a glass mirror reflecting the thousands of trees that surround it. Or, the water moves in different directions as the wind disrupts the surface.

My favourite are those mornings I am awoken by my bladder only to see the sun rising over the trees, and onto the water. I am not a morning person, but I am never disappointed to wake up between the hours of 6:00am-7:30am.

It's almost like each morning offers a new perspective of the same scene. Imagining it isn't as beautiful as actually being apart of it.

Imagine stepping outside your front door and the smell of dirt and trees wafts through the air. The only way I can describe it is by saying that it is nature at it's finest.

Our land was once a wood mill, and the trees really do tell a story. Some trees are dried out and nearing the end of their life where as others are still in their infancy. Stumps stand by themselves where they one stood tall.

What was once covered in trees, and as valuable as gold, is now nature trying to rebuild the parts that were once full of life. It's a shame that humans can so often ruin the most beautiful parts of nature.

I understand why it has to happen, but it can still feel unfortunate.

What I do love is how the animals find what they need to build their homes. This is an abandoned bear den on one of our trails.

Exploring The Land

If there's one thing I have learned about living in Nova Scotia, it's that the people who live here appreciate the untouched land. It's like those little gems I talked about earlier. People go to the untouched parts of land, and they take in the raw beauty it holds.

Nova Scotia brings peace and joy to the soul if you really open your eyes and heart to it.

Taking family hikes is a must when you live on the east coast. Not to mention the now familiar smell of the Atlantic Ocean. I appreciate that now too.

The bottoms of my running shoes are wearing thin from the hundreds of kilometres I have ran since living here. Each run offering new moments of clarity.

A Run In The Woods

Our Jeep has seen the local mechanic more times than it ever would have if we lived in the city. Probably because our driveway is two and a half kilometres of dirt road. Hitting pot holes on a daily basis is no good for any vehicles suspension.

My phone reminds me that I am out of storage due to the amount of pictures and videos I have taken since living here. I just can't help myself.

The words in my journal entries amongst the words I have dedicated to a book I am writing for my sons have reached well over 200,000 words.

This past year has silenced the chaos that once filled my mind while living in the city. I was once the girl who couldn't sit still.

I am now the girl that will stand in the middle of a forest and hang onto every last second of peace I am feeling in the moment. I have learned to slow down and enjoy the quiet moments.

The thing about living two and a half kilometres into the forest is knowing that it takes ten minutes alone just to get out, and another five minutes to get to our small village. Thirteen minutes to get to the city. Nothing around here is less than a fifteen minute drive.

At first, I was stoked to drive anywhere, but then we started to feel the prices of gas.

Remember when we were told to "stay home" throughout 2020-2022? I never did. Whether it was a grocery store run, a workout or a walk outside, I made sure the government wasn't ruling my life.

Now that I have lived here for almost a year, I have learned that staying home isn't so bad. In order to save money, we knew we needed to stay home more.

When you stay home often enough, you learn that boredom is normal. You also learn to find things to do outside of chores and television.

I have taught myself that painting really is a big part of who I am.

Peace Is In My Soul

Reading has been the brain exercise that has strengthened my ability to write while also giving me food for thought.

Writing is something that allows me to put my thoughts to words.

Aside from what I already knew I enjoyed, I also learned new things too. My mother in law taught me how to knit.

Staying home and knitting was actually a great way for me to keep busy and not eat all the snacks in the house at night time. I have knitted two blankets and four hats (only one of them for myself).

I feel that knitted gifts are timeless. Giving or receiving a knitted gift comes with that "aw" kind of love.

If you're giving a knitted gift, you think Aw. I made this and now somebody special gets to keep it. If you are receiving it, you think Aw. This is so thoughtful. So much time and effort went into this.

My Niece Skylar

The most important lesson I learned in staying home is that moments with my family became part of my routine and my favourite part of staying home.

Having all of our meals as a family has created an even stronger bond between us.

Meal time has always been important to us, but with the luxury of having "Skip The Dishes" and easy access to hundreds of restaurants back home, we didn't spend time learning new recipes.

Out here, we utilize what we have and try new recipes.

Food is such an amazing way to connect with your family. My partner and I have cooked together more times than I can count in the last year, and we've had a lot of fun doing it.

We have eaten almost every meal as a family and when we have visitors, we get to share meals with them too.

The Heart Of Our Home

Staying home and watching our baby go from a one year old to an almost two year old (March 19th) has been the ultimate joy.

There have been so many of his firsts here. The comfort he feels in this home is evident. This is Thai's home. The memories he is making are the memories we all share together.

The sound of his feet running through the house are heard on a daily basis. His screams, laughter and cries echo through our one floor, cottage style home.

My favourite is how he runs down the hallway as fast as he can at the sounds of daddy saying "I'm gonna get you." I am going to miss that.

I still haven't gotten to the stranded part yet.

Why leave a place that is so peaceful? The way I have described this place is as magical as I have made it seem.

With the peace that it has brought me, it has opened my eyes to the part of me that was left behind. My son. Not the son I was just talking about. My other one. The one who stayed back in Ontario with his dad.

You see, I feel stranded here in this peaceful place because I am ready to go home to my son. I can't go home until somebody buys this house. Therefore, I feel stranded.

How can I ever truly be at peace when there's a piece missing? The answer is, I can't.

I will note that we gave my son the choice to come with us.

There have been so many times this past year where I have feared the judgement of others.

I've heard the thoughts... How could she leave her son and move across the country? I could never do that. I love my kids way too much. I wouldn't dream of it.

The thoughts of others made me shudder when I first made the decision to leave. I kept hearing them throughout my time here and I would silence them with tools my therapist once taught me. All while feeling a tightness in my throat, all the way down to my chest.

If only they knew...

You cannot measure sadness they say.

You cannot measure pain.

All I know is that the sadness and pain in my heart before moving here was deeper than one could imagine.

From the outside looking in, I had a lot going for me. I finally had gotten my shit together from 2019-2022. I had my own boxing studio, a wonderful relationship, two beautiful boys and a secure job with Canada Post. But I secretly still had lingering pain that ran deep.

If you knew me in my twenties, I didn't have two dimes to rub together, and I was always a walking mess who hid my demons well.

I hid behind my successful boxing career, but everybody knows boxers don't make money. It was never about the money though. It was about the title, and the confidence that came with it.

Professional Boxing Match 2018

Training hard, working as a trainer, and winning fights shielded me from the judgment people would have if they knew the truth about the toxic life I was living. The life that held me back from being fully present as a mother.

How can you be your best self when you hate who you've become? I hated myself for not knowing how to fix myself. I was a coward hiding behind the things that made me look strong, when in fact, I felt weak.

Remember when I said that I was called here for a reason?

I was called here to accept that the past is gone. I cannot change it. I can only make choices today that are going to help shape tomorrow.

I was called here to experience life without any titles to hide behind. When I am here, I am just me.

I was called here to feel what peace actually feels like.

The peace was a gift from God. I know that he is on my side and is working with me to get there fully. Feeling these moments of peace only strengthens my desire to dig deeper.

I was called here to step into the shoes of the mother I have ALWAYS wanted to be. The mother who wants to live happily for her children.

It was the silence that I needed to realize that it's okay to feel shame and guilt. What mother doesn't?

It was the silence that told me no matter how much time has passed, my love for my children has never wavered. It was the silence that allowed me to feel the shame and guilt for my past, but then to let it go.

It was the city that held me back from receiving the clarity I needed to realize why I was hurting so bad.

It was the distance between my son and I that opened my heart and released the pain that had been tucked inside of there for so many years.

The only way to release pain is to open up, face it and let it out. Don't put it back.

God gave me these peaceful moments because he knew I was going to need them. He stayed with me while I cried in anguish and told me, it's okay.

God gifted me the cherished moments with my family because he wanted me to feel an abundance of happiness without the distractions.

The more present I became with my family, the more I began to value the definition of being truly present. So much that I now put my phone away for certain hours of the day because I want to give my time to those I love. I want to be fully present in the moments we share.

My calling was to heal. And I did...

I hope this house sells soon. As much as I love it here, I feel stranded. I just want to go home and wrap my arms around my almost fifteen year old (April 22nd). I want to see him on a regular basis and love him from close again.

I dream of Landon playing with his little brother. I've had actual visions of them playing on a beach somewhere hot.

My 2 Favourite People

I am ready to go home to the city and take with me what I have learned here. I have learned that real forgiveness is the most important step in becoming the best version of yourself.

There is a lot more I have learned, and so much more I can share... But I did write a memoire, and I don't want to give away all of my secrets just yet. I wanted to graze the surface and call to those who needed to be called.

If this calls to you, stay tuned.